About a million years ago I thought I met my soul mate. The energy between us was electric and I found an incredible resonance and connection with him that I had never felt before. It was like two trains colliding on a track. Our sparks were intense, our conversations long, and with him, I have an incredible intuition about: I knew if he was sick and if he was unhappy. Had he asked me for a kidney, I would have gladly handed one over. I could not breathe for the intense chemistry between us; it crackled like static in the air around us.
Our love story included war, international intrigue, and it also included my apparent ability to fix the things wrong in his life. It is a potent mix when we self-appoint ourselves as the healer of the twin flame in our lives. Like the constellations above, what I was here for and what we were meant to do together was laid out by the heavens. Right?
Because of this incredible energetic connection, I ignored so many red flags.
So. Many. Red. Flags.
Because… there was a reason we met, right? Why would I feel so strongly and deeply for someone if we weren’t meant to be? Sure, he had all these problems. Sure, his story didn’t match up. Sure, my heart skipping a beat was from insecurity and fear instead of joy. None of that mattered because he was my soul mate, my twin flame, he was destiny finally laid down by the Universe and my long search for meaning was over!
You know where this is going.
It all ended in the worst possible way. It lasted YEARS longer than it should have. I paid a price that changed my life trajectory in ways that reverberate even now. I finally ended it when I was too tired to be scared, too tired to feel the fear of abandonment, too tired to worry about money. I was tired in my skin and tired in my bones, even my bone marrow was tired.
I was exhausted from all the red flags I refused to consider. I was oppressed and beat down by the soul mate who demanded my very soul. I compromised huge tracts of my self-worth and dignity as payment for this soul mate. Until finally, one day, the fever broke and I got the hell out. Not without cost. Not without a tremendous sense of loss.
Here’s the thing, though, I do believe he is my soul mate, even today. I can still feel him when I tune in. There is something about the connection that is ever vibrant. Even though we no longer talk, I am absolutely certain that we are connected on a level that is below primal, it is instinctual.
I believe that there are people we have a true soul connection to. From another life, another dimension, another impossible magical way wherein we know we know that person, soul to soul. And the shock of that recognition and inner knowing is so powerful, it is so incredibly overwhelming that we will do almost anything to keep it. We come to believe that the electrocution that engulfs our heart means something more.
But just because we feel a soul connection with someone does not then mean we are meant to paint that picket fence and call it a day.
Chemistry does not equal commitment.
Energetic resonance does not mean ‘I do.”
Over the years I have come to understand that the term soul mate or twin flame is misleading. While we recognize each other soul to soul, these souls of ours are housed in biological bodies. These physical bodies have personalities, cultures, histories and karmic work to be done in this lifetime. Like a hermit crab, we are only housed here temporarily. And while my soul and his soul knew one another we both had personalities, temperaments and work that meant we were not here to facilitate each other’s domestic or romantic fantasies.
A soul mate is not here to fulfill our romantic aspirations.
A soul mate is not here to facilitate a biological partnership.
A soul mate is here to teach a lesson.
You and I have many soul mates. In fact, I prefer the term soul-connected. And, these soul-connected individuals usually have deep lessons to teach us about love, about loss, about our own power and our ethics.
Sometimes these soul-connected are here to teach us about evil, or selfishness, or temptation. All is not right and good with what our soul-connected may offer, but they will offer something significant and real, rich and intense.
If you are entangled with a ‘soul mate’ — but otherwise, there are as many red flags as the day is long — ask yourself, what is the lesson? Ask yourself, what aspects of myself am I suppressing in order to have this? Ask yourself, does this soul mate bring out the best, the healthiest, does he or she bring out the best in me?
Be honest. Be unflinching. Be brave.
May the source of all that is Good, all that is Worthy, and all that is Meaningful speak to me through the cards.
May I be a kind interpreter, a helpful guide, and a noble facilitator of the story.
May I use my privileged position to increase perception, to foster companionship, and to speak to truth.
May I cast the lamp of insight high enough for clear vision; high enough to chase away the shadows of doubt, fear, or resistance.
May I withhold whatever is not helpful, what is unkind, and what is reserved in judgement.
May I step out of the way and be an instrument speaking to love, to what is known, and to what Spirit wishes to make known.
May the weary feel the comfort of my care, the warmth of my affection, and the strength of my objective desire to witness their unfolding.
May I use tarot to guide and not to punish, to recommend and not condemn.
May I be a servant to the soul.
May I be a servant to the message.
Most of all ,may all who come feel safe.
So Mote it Be.
This is the first in a series about outing ourselves when we read tarot to others.
This is Part I.
Deciding when to tell others about tarot is a highly individual process. There usually comes a time when we want to share our growing tarot skills with others, or find like-minded people who also love tarot. At some point, we reach a crossroads; do we tell others that we read tarot, and if so, how? If we feel the call so strongly that we desire to read on a professional level, how do we negotiate the protocol of coming out of the tarot box?
The decision to become a tarot practitioner comes with a host of challenges and issues to consider. At each step in the process of revelation, we pause to reflect upon whether we should, and if we can, how to go about telling people about this thing called tarot and why we think it’s so great.
Our tarot origin story affects how we come out of the tarot box. A tarot origin story consists of the years leading up to the first time you placed your hands on a tarot deck and claimed it for your own. The origin story is a major factor for how and in what way we share that we read tarot for others, it is and our personal narrative.
Our narrative is in the stories we learned, the stories we lived and the stories we repeat to ourselves. In order to approach telling others about our tarot practice, we first need to understand what we learned about family, cultural, and social messages and how those internalized beliefs impact our decisions today.
In grappling with the process of a tarot coming out is to deeply remember and reflect upon your tarot origin story.
How did you learn about tarot?
Did anyone help you in your first steps?
What family and cultural messages did you get, and what internalized beliefs do you have around acts of rebellion, sticking out, being laughed at or feared?
Since every family is like its own universe to a child, your learned messages from parents and grandparents have a huge impact on how you own your work in the world. Your religious upbringing will have a factor as well as your own unique socioeconomic background. All of these aspects collide into a melange of conscious and unconscious push and pull factors.
For many of us, small rebellions begin before we actually pick up a tarot deck. At 13, I decided that Christian Baptist religious theology was not for me. The ‘no’s’ I heard from the pulpit did not match the yeses I saw all around me in the wind, on the storm front, in a bean splitting open to unfurl its first green tendril; to me, the world is full of yes.
For me, God was not in church, nor was God a Father, but rather an organic process. I had an awakening with these realizations, these became my first cognitive dissonances between what my upbringing taught me, and what I saw. I awoke to the idea that I could come to my own conclusions about things and the fissures only deepened from there. The world, I learned, was not what it seemed.
Hindsight being 20:20 I have come to understand this as the Fool meets the High Priestess: feelings, knowings, and instinct upend what I was taught. I learned my first important lesson; the call of following my own intuitive guidance. I could not go back to the story I was spoon-fed. I could not sit in a church that was punitive, dismissive, and non-inclusive. The woods were beckoning and with the High Priestess’ guidance, I made my choice. My tarot origin story holds themes in rebellion and mystery, intuition and questioning authority.
My watershed moment came one Sunday morning, lazing about in my pajamas as the rest of my family were busily dressing in their Sunday best; I remember the smell of toast and coffee, the sounds of getting ready, a large family of 7. My Father came into my room, “Put your clothes on, we are going to church.”
“No.” I replied in that calm way we do when we know we are absolutely standing in our truth. When the inside of you is not trembling, when you know that you are where and how and who you need to be.
“If you don’t go, I am going to make you.” Dad said, his presence magically growing larger in my small room in the way that male authority can. An edge of small violence in the back of his throat, a threat I know he was more than capable to supply.
Solid as stones I replied, “If you make me, I am going just like this, in my pajamas. I am not getting dressed.”
“I will think of a suitable punishment when I get back” he said, calmly out of character for him. I stayed in my room, hearing the family eventually leave the house and it became so quiet, I felt so free. The threatened punishment never came. It was the first time I had ever stood my ground, and I learned it was possible to push back.
As a tarot reader, I understand that this story embodied the Fool meeting the Emperor. I had to rebel against male authority and this was an intrinsic part of my process. In tarot, we know that finding the question is almost as important as the answer.
How can we become effective in our craft if we live within a dogma that discourages questions? We must now negotiate the process of our tarot work if we lived within a dogmatic patriarchal structure. How do we mediate the process of family authority, especially if we came to tarot as a minor? How might we accommodate the boyfriends, the husbands, the partners who do not and cannot understand? Within my own story, the choice for radical rebellion was my particular strategy but it is not, nor should be, the only one.
It is so obvious to me now that the arrival of tarot was inevitable. In fact, it took a group of people who had already come out of their own closets to help me with my own. I was lucky to be living in a liberal place in liberal times (for the 90's)and my neighbors up the street were the local drag queens of my small town.
Two houses comprised of beautiful, complicated, aching men living under the deep shadow of AIDS. Men who knew a thing or two about owning a truth, about path making their own meaning, and incredibly, about helping a lost girl by showing her how to own who she is.
My first deck was gifted to me on my 14th birthday by a man who was a bodybuilder (we lost touch, if you ever read this, please find me) and made teddy bears by hand. He was gentle and kind, and I spent many after school hours at his house drinking grape soda. The house across the street from him contained a rowdy bunch of Drag Queens and they delighted in making my drama club costumes and outfitting me for any fabulous situation my heart desired. They taught me the love from men that was non-patriarchal. A male love that was open and easy, that watered my heart and fed my hungry soul.
It were these men that not only encouraged my first steps into tarot, they embraced it. I read for all of them, stumbling in my first steps as my intuition struggled to work with the cards. I was a fast study though, I had the cards memorized within a few weeks and was doing complicated spreads by week six.
Months later, my friends held a Victor Victoria party for Halloween. As you can guess, it was a huge blow-out. These men transformed both themselves and their space into magic. They asked me to come read tarot at their party and trusting them more than myself I said yes.
I remember reading for a lot of people, and they were gentle and patient as I worked the cards. Towards the end of the night, I ended up spending significant time with a young man, he was perhaps 20 and he told me about his love woes. I was 14 and while surprised that this older person would confide in me, I felt such contentedness in being able to help him in this way. It felt like home, I was home. The key fit the lock.
The arrival of an open-minded community into my life was the Fool meeting the Star; when we are feeling our most lost, there is Guidance that arrives often in unexpected ways. As tarot readers we need a community of others who can hold space for us, just as we are. Within these safe spaces that our community creates, we are able to safely indulge in the practice of our craft impossible to cultivate by ourselves.
Each tarot origin story impacts how we approach this revelatory process. I was fortunate to be picked up by people who accepted me shortly after my rebellious act against patriarchy. Those two factors: successful rebellion replaced with affection and acceptance eventually gave me the internal tools I needed to now embrace my tarot profession wholly and completely. Had either aspect been missing, I doubt that I would have been authentic in owning my own truth.
If my origin story was different, its outcome would be different, too. My seemingly fearless public presence is not because I am actually more fearless than another reader, but rather, I was given critical tools at important times in my development that made me resilient later on.
The good news is, is that we can cultivate these tools at any time in our lives. We can create for ourselves new origin stories that supplant the old. But first, we need to understand how our stories define us now.
If you are still in the tarot box. Please stay tuned.
I aim to provide with you a working framework for coming into yourself as you come out in the world. The first part is to answer the questions I laid out in bold above and deeply ponder the lines of narrative that have brought you to the moment when you took a deck into your capable hands.
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